“Am I Overreacting?” - Subtle Racism, Microaggressions, and Self-Doubt

Why don’t more people talk about how subtle racism shows up in everyday interactions?

They aren’t always obvious or overt - but they are moments that are easy to dismiss and yet somehow stay with you.

Moments that leave you wondering:
“Did that just happen… or am I overthinking it?”

A moment that stayed with me

I recently had an experience that really captured what subtle racism can look like.

During an interview for a school therapist role, I asked my potential line manager, a fellow therapist, what percentage of students were from ethnic minority backgrounds. It felt like a straightforward question - one about representation.

Instead of answering, the response focused on bursaries and the affluence of the area.

I hadn’t asked about income.

It was a subtle shift, but an important one. My question about ethnicity had been interpreted through a lens of socioeconomic assumption.

After reflecting on the interaction, I followed up via email to name what hadn’t sat right.

“There was no need to refer to bursaries or affluence in response to a question about ethnic representation - a simple figure would have answered the question.”

“The conflation of race and socioeconomic status is a frequent and harmful assumption.”

The response -  and what it revealed

To their credit, the response I received started out encouragingly:

 “I reflected on this part of our conversation ahead of your email realising our response to your question was neither appropriate nor adequate..”

But then it all went downhill once again:

“As a school and a counselling team I believe we treat all individuals as just that - individuals, independent of their ethnicity, race or socioeconomic background…”

They also apologised, stating that they were sorry that I felt unconscious bias had been present in the interview, and emphasised that as a school they aim to treat all individuals as just that — individuals, regardless of race, ethnicity, or socioeconomic background.

On the surface, this might sound reflective and fair.

But there are two important things happening here.

The first is the subtle shift from what was said to how it was felt.

The first is the emphasis on treating everyone the same.

While well-intentioned, this can reflect a colour-blind approach — one that overlooks how identity shapes lived experience, access, and belonging.

Secondly, when the focus moves to “I’m sorry you felt…”, it can unintentionally move attention away from the actual assumption that was made - in this case, the conflation of ethnicity with financial need.

As I reflected back:

“The issue wasn’t about how I felt, but about the implications of what was actually said.”

“True inclusion doesn’t come from treating everyone the same, but from recognising how identity - including race and class - shapes experience.”

These moments are rarely about intent.
But they are very much about impact.

The kind of experiences people bring into therapy

This isn’t a one-off.

In my work as a therapist, I often sit with clients who bring in similar experiences - moments they’ve been holding onto, unsure whether they’re “valid enough” to talk about.

One client shared her frustration about a colleague describing an African woman as “scary.”
From her perspective, this woman was expressive, animated, and gregarious - qualities that could easily be understood as cultural differences in communication.

But instead, they were perceived through a lens of fear.

In another situation, the same client spoke about how her previous boss had been described by others as “aggressive.”
Her experience of him was different - she experienced him as assertive, clear, and direct.

It raises an important question:

When does assertiveness become labelled as aggression?
And who gets to be seen as confident versus threatening?

Would the same language have been used if they were white?

Why these moments are so confusing

Subtle racism - often experienced through racial microaggressions - doesn’t always look like what we expect racism to look like.

It’s often:

• ambiguous

• easy to explain away

• wrapped in everyday conversation

And because of that, the impact can turn inward.

Instead of thinking, “that wasn’t okay,”
many people find themselves thinking,
“maybe I’m overreacting.”

The psychological impact

Over time, these experiences can lead to:

• second-guessing your instincts

• minimising your own feelings

• staying silent to avoid being seen as “difficult”

• questioning whether something really happened the way you experienced it

Not because the impact is small - but because it’s hard to name.

Making space for your experience

You might not always have the energy to challenge or educate others in the moment.

But that doesn’t mean the experience doesn’t deserve attention.

In therapy, we create space to:

• unpack these moments

• understand the impact they’ve had on you

• separate your experience from the assumptions placed onto you

• and rebuild trust in your own perceptions

Because those moments that “don’t sit right” often carry more weight than we give them credit for.

You’re not overreacting

If you’ve ever walked away from an interaction feeling unsettled, confused, or quietly uncomfortable - there’s a reason for that.

Even if it was subtle and no one else named it.

You’re allowed to trust what you felt and explore the impact of those feelings.