Why Does My Partner Shut Down When We Argue (and Why Do I Struggle With It)?
This was definitely something I struggled with in the first year of dating my now-husband. The first few months of zero arguments or bickering had passed, and we knew this was a long-term thing.
But when disagreements did happen, we quickly discovered that we responded to conflict very differently. I’m fairly expressive and animated, and at times this could feel overwhelming for him. It could remind him of experiences growing up where there hadn’t always been room for his feelings, while there had been plenty of room for other people’s.
His instinct was sometimes to shut down and take space. Mine was to want to sort things out. And that’s where things could get difficult.
Every dynamic is co-created
THE UNDERPINNING TO ALL MY WORK WITH COUPLES IS THIS – EVERY DYNAMIC IS CO-CREATED, LET’S NOT MAKE ONE PERSON THE PROBLEM.
For example, if you are with a partner who micromanages everything and takes control, YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH THAT PERSON, so what are they recreating that feels unconsciously familiar to your experience growing up, and how can you repair that now?
Did one parent control everything you or the other parent did, leaving you without agency? Now is your time to step up into your ‘adult’ and find your voice.
That doesn’t mean you consciously chose to be controlled. And it certainly doesn’t mean their behaviour is your fault. But it does mean there may be something worth getting curious about.
What does their way of being in the relationship feel familiar to you? Perhaps being with someone who takes charge feels strangely familiar, even though you consciously hate it.
The work then becomes learning how to step into your adult self, find your voice and create something different.
So what about the partner who shuts down?
For the purposes of this article, if you are with a partner who shuts down whilst you overwork to get them to open up, YOU CHOSE TO BE WITH THAT PERSON, so what wound from childhood are they mirroring for you that you need to work through?
Perhaps one parent silently took the seemingly relentless ranting from the other, and therefore that was normalised to you. This could be what happened to your partner – or perhaps, when they did try to express themselves, they were met with criticism, being shouted at or judgement.
So now, it’s safer and easier to shut down than to express oneself.
If you are with a partner who shuts down whilst you overwork to get them to open up, you chose to be with that person. So what wound from childhood might their behaviour be touching?
Perhaps you grew up watching one parent silently take the seemingly relentless ranting of the other, so intense expression and one person pursuing while the other absorbs it became normalised to you.
Or perhaps, like me, you had to manage a parent shutting down and stonewalling you, repeatedly apologising until they eventually chose to talk to you again.
So now, when your partner shuts down, you overwork for connection, and boy, are you triggered!
When their shutdown feels like rejection
Because unless they’ve said, “I love you, I want to finish this conversation when I’m calmer, but I need some space from it for now,” you, with your inner child raging because it’s immediately taken back to a place of feeling rejected, overwork to avoid the rejection.
Your nervous system may be experiencing their withdrawal as something much bigger than needing space, because growing up, you were often blamed for your parent’s shutdown:
“I’m being shut out.”
“I’ve done something wrong.”
“I need to fix this before they leave me emotionally.”
And suddenly, their need for space can feel almost unbearable.
And this is where the cycle begins
They shut down because they’re overwhelmed. You experience their shutting down as disconnection and pursue harder. They feel even more overwhelmed by the increased intensity and withdraw further. You become even more anxious and work harder to get them to engage.
And round and round you go. Like in Chipmunk’s 2006 hit Oopsy Daisy.
Your partner may have learned that shutting down is the safest way to manage overwhelming emotion. You may have learned that pursuing, explaining, apologising or trying harder is how you restore connection.
Both strategies may have made perfect sense at some point in your lives. But they can become incredibly painful when they meet each other inside an intimate relationship.
So how do we break the cycle?
GO TO INDIVIDUAL THERAPY.
FIGURE OUT WHAT MADE YOU PURSUE / SHUT DOWN.
BRING IT BACK TO COUPLES WORK.
The partner who shuts down might say:
“I KNOW THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL REJECTED, BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM NOT REJECTING YOU – I NEED SPACE FROM THIS INTERACTION AND WE WILL RETURN TO IT AND RESOLVE IT.”
And the pursuer might say:
“I KNOW YOU NEED SPACE TO PROCESS AND EXPRESSING YOURSELF WASN’T ALWAYS SAFE OR EASY GROWING UP. I KNOW IT’S NOT A REJECTION OF ME, AND WE WILL RESOLVE THIS LATER.”
Because ultimately, breaking the cycle isn’t about deciding who is the problem.
It’s about understanding why you both respond the way you do, what you’re each bringing into the relationship, and learning how to do something different together.
