A note about sexual trauma
The references to childhood sexual abuse and trauma in this article are intended for information and awareness only. They are not intended to explain or diagnose your own experiences, and everyone's response to trauma is different.
If anything in this section resonates with you, brings up difficult feelings or raises questions about your own experiences, please don't feel you need to work through this alone. Consider speaking with a qualified therapist who has experience in working with sexual trauma, who can help you explore this safely and at your own pace.
This article is not a substitute for individual therapeutic support or professional advice.
It's a question that comes up regularly in the couples therapy room. And often, behind it is another, much bigger question:
Does this mean we've fallen out of love?
Perhaps you remember how things used to be. The spontaneous kissing, holding hands, the excitement of being close to each other. Perhaps you couldn't keep your hands off each other.
But somewhere along the way, things changed.
Now, you might feel more like housemates or co-parents than lovers. You still care about each other, you might have a good life together, but the physical connection that once felt so natural has become less frequent, or disappeared altogether.
And you might be wondering whether you've lost your spark, whether you're still attracted to each other, or whether this is simply what your relationship has become.
The important thing to understand is that a loss of physical intimacy doesn't automatically mean you've fallen out of love or that you're no longer right for each other. There can be many different reasons why couples stop kissing, touching or having sex. Understanding what's getting in the way is often much more helpful than simply trying to have more sex.
So, what might be happening?
Why does physical intimacy disappear in a relationship?
There isn't one single explanation. Sometimes it's a combination of things that have gradually built up over time. Sometimes there's a particular event or experience that changes how one or both partners feel about physical closeness.
Here are some of the possibilities:
1. Life gets busy and you become more like housemates than lovers
Sometimes the explanation is less complicated than you might imagine.
Work, children, household responsibilities, exhaustion and the endless mental load of everyday life can gradually take over.
You spend your time organising the family, sorting out practical things, managing work commitments and getting through the week. By the time you get into bed, you're exhausted.
Romance and intentional couple time slip further down the priority list. The spontaneous kisses, flirting and moments of connection become less frequent.
You might still function very well as a team, but when was the last time you felt like lovers rather than two people running a household?
And let's be honest, the burping, farting and general familiarity of everyday life can sometimes take over too!
There's nothing wrong with being comfortable with each other. But being good at managing life together doesn't necessarily mean you're maintaining the connection that makes you feel like a couple.
2. Emotional disconnection can affect physical intimacy
Sometimes the issue isn't how busy you are. It's what's happening between you.
Criticism, resentment, feeling unseen, unappreciated or constantly misunderstood can gradually create distance.
Perhaps you have the same arguments repeatedly. Perhaps one of you feels they're carrying more of the responsibility, while the other feels they're never doing anything right.
Sometimes couples become stuck in familiar communication patterns. These can be patterns we've learnt growing up, which we find ourselves repeating without really understanding why.
Over time, small hurts and unresolved disagreements can accumulate. What might seem like little things individually can become a much bigger emotional distance.
And it's difficult to feel physically close to someone when you don't feel emotionally connected to them.
You might still love your partner, but feel irritated, frustrated or disconnected when you're around them.
Sometimes couples become so caught up in these patterns that they stop seeing each other as romantic partners.
When one person feels more like the responsible parent and the other more like the child, for example, it's difficult to feel like equal adult partners. And sexual desire can understandably be affected.
3. Something has happened that has damaged trust
Sometimes there's a more significant event behind the loss of physical intimacy.
An affair, a betrayal, a breach of trust or another major relationship rupture can change how you feel towards each other.
Even when couples decide to stay together, that doesn't necessarily mean the hurt has been resolved or will be any time soon.
Perhaps you've tried to move on without properly exploring what happened. Perhaps one partner wants to put it behind them, while the other is still carrying a lot of pain.
You might be getting on reasonably well day to day, but underneath there are feelings that haven't been acknowledged or worked through.
Physical intimacy can feel particularly difficult when there's still emotional hurt between you.
It's hard to feel vulnerable and open with someone when part of you is still protecting yourself from being hurt again.
4. Sometimes it's about what's happening within you
It's easy to assume that if you don't want physical intimacy, it must be something your partner is doing or not doing.
But sometimes the explanation has much more to do with what's happening within yourself.
Stress, hormonal changes, body image, changes in sexuality and past experiences can all influence how comfortable you feel with physical touch and sexual intimacy.
Perhaps you're struggling with how your body has changed. Perhaps you're experiencing stress or anxiety that makes it difficult to switch off.
Hormonal changes at different stages of life can also affect sexual desire.
And sometimes unprocessed sexual trauma and difficult experiences from the past can influence how you respond to intimacy in the present, even when you don't immediately recognise the connection.
All of this is ok. It is just important to remember that not every change in desire is a reflection of how you feel about your partner.
Sometimes it's worth gently and kindly looking inwards rather than assuming the problem lies within the relationship.
5. Becoming a parent can bring up experiences from your own childhood
This is something that can be particularly difficult to talk about, but it's important to acknowledge.
For some people, becoming a parent can bring up memories, feelings or bodily responses connected to difficult experiences in their own childhood, including sexual abuse.
Sometimes a child reaching the age at which their parent experienced abuse can act as a reminder of what happened.
This doesn't necessarily mean the person consciously remembers everything that happened or immediately understands why their feelings about physical intimacy have changed.
But experiences from the past can sometimes influence how we feel about our bodies, touch, vulnerability and sex in the present.
For someone who has experienced childhood sexual trauma, becoming a parent can bring some of these experiences closer to the surface.
This is a sensitive and deeply personal area. It won't apply to everyone who notices a change in their sexual desire after having children. But for some people, it can be an important part of understanding what's happening.
Does losing physical intimacy mean we've fallen out of love?
Not necessarily.
A change in physical intimacy doesn't automatically mean you've stopped loving each other, lost attraction or become incompatible.
But it is worth paying attention to.
Sometimes couples become so focused on the absence of sex that they start trying to address the symptom rather than understanding what's underneath it.
They might make more effort to initiate sex, plan date nights or try to recreate the things they used to do together.
And while these things can have their place, they don't necessarily address what's getting in the way.
You can't force desire. And you can't necessarily create physical closeness by deciding that you should be having more sex.
If there's resentment, unresolved hurt, emotional disconnection or something happening internally for one of you, these things may need to be understood first.
Perhaps a more helpful question than "Are we no longer compatible?" is:
"What's happened between us, or within us, that's made closeness harder?"
It's a different starting point. One that allows you to become curious about what's changed rather than immediately assuming the worst about your relationship.
Does it have to stay this way?
Not necessarily.
A loss of physical intimacy doesn't have to mean that this is what your relationship will look like from now on.
Understanding why the connection has changed can be an important first step towards understanding each other again.
Sometimes it's about making sense of the pressures of everyday life. Sometimes it's about addressing the emotional distance that has developed between you. And sometimes there are more complicated experiences that need time and attention.
There isn't a quick fix or a one-size-fits-all answer.
But if you miss how things used to be, it may be worth getting curious about what's happened rather than accepting that this is simply how your relationship has to be.
And if you find it difficult to understand what's happening between you, couples therapy can provide an opportunity to explore these things together.
You don't have to arrive with all the answers. Sometimes understanding where the distance has come from is a place to begin.
Common Questions
Is it normal for couples to stop having sex?
It's not unusual for the frequency of sex to change during a long-term relationship. Work, parenting, stress, health, emotional disconnection and changing circumstances can all play a part. What matters is understanding whether the change is causing distress and what it might mean for you as a couple.
Does a lack of physical intimacy mean my partner isn't attracted to me anymore?
Not necessarily. A lack of desire or physical intimacy doesn't automatically mean attraction or love has disappeared. There can be many other factors affecting someone's interest in sex, including stress, exhaustion, relationship difficulties and personal experiences.
Why do I love my partner but not want to have sex with them?
It's possible to love someone deeply while experiencing little or no sexual desire towards them. Emotional disconnection, resentment, stress, hormonal changes and other personal experiences can all influence desire. Understanding what's happening is more useful than assuming that a lack of desire means a lack of love.
Can a relationship recover from losing physical intimacy?
Many couples do find ways to rebuild physical and emotional closeness, but there isn't a guaranteed outcome or a single approach that works for everyone. Understanding what has contributed to the distance is an important starting point.
Can couples therapy help when we've stopped being physically intimate?
Couples therapy can help partners explore what's happening in their relationship, including communication difficulties, resentment, unresolved hurt and changes in intimacy. It can offer an opportunity to understand each other's experiences and begin exploring what might need to change.
If you're wondering about couples therapy, you can find out more about working with me by booking a free 20-30 minute intro call with me here.
